How to Win Valentine’s Day!

Well folks, it is that time of year again. February 14th is around the corner and we all know this facacta holiday brings undue stress to our already taxing existences. For all the single men and women that populate the internets, I know that Valentine’s Day sucks harder than Carson Palmer’s NFC Championship Game Performance. It is just another reminder of your seemingly endless search for the perfect companion, much like romantic comedies and annoyingly loud public displays of affection.

Damn, he sucked!

Damn, he sucked!

However, not many people take the plight of the coupled into consideration on this “joyous” occasion. Single people might feel lonely or depressed on the 14th, but they can just go out to the bar on the 15th and bump uglies with a stranger and their Valentine’s Day woes are in the rear view mirror. Those lucky enough to have found their Valentine, know, or at least should know, one wrong move on the 14th, could land you in the dog house for the foreseeable future.

If you bought this gift, go to directly to gift-jail, do not pass the bedroom, do not collect your holiday whoopie.

If you bought this gift, go to directly to gift-jail, do not pass the bedroom, do not collect your holiday whoopie.

Gift giving on Valentine’s Day is not something that one should take lightly. There is a science to it, a formula if you will. There are many factors that must be considered. How long have you been with this person, are you married, do you plan on marrying said person, and the presence of children or lack thereof, are just a few of the important elements of V-Day gifting. Unfortunately, normally the formula for gift giving is highly specific to the people involved, every single relationship has its own equation and only those in said relationship could figure the figures.

What's on your white board?

What’s on your white board?

That is until now. I, The Blue Collar Foodie, have derived a universal formula that will allow you to win Valentine’s Day. The formula is actually quite simple. X= F + (O * E). Most gifts include one, maybe, two of these elements, but that just ain’t gonna cut it during the month of love. Let me break this lovely equation down for you, John Madden style:
X: This integer stands for “For the Win,” or FTW as the kids say. It is what we are trying to accomplish.

F: The F stands for Forethought. Sure you can buy your love a diamond ring, 4 dozen roses, and a puppy, but unless those gifts have meaning backing them up, your gift will earn you nothing but a passing tweet or Instagram post. Forethought shows that you did not just stop at a gas station on the way home on the 14th, but you actually planned this gift, and put some thought into it. A delivered gift ensures this component.

O: The O stands for Originality and that shit is key. A poem comes to mind; Roses are Red, Violets are blue, Flowers are Lame, and So Are You! It is not enough to just send flowers to your sweetheart on the highest of holy days of love, because everyone gets them. Save the flowers for your mom, or your grandma when she breaks her hip.  Remember if your gift has the big O, you are sure to have one too.

E: The E stands for Envy. Every girl that is reading this post is silently saying to themselves, “That is Bullshit! I don’t care what anyone else thinks!” I don’t need Maury Povich’s lie detector to confirm or deny this claim. I am not saying every female is a psycho hose beast that feeds off the jealously of their peers, but I am saying that on Valentine’s Day, shit is different, shit is real! Believe me, your girl wants every single lady, whether friend or foe, in the room not only to notice the gift you bought her, but resent her, and in turn, you, for winning Valentine’s Day.

Knowing is half the battle!

Knowing is half the battle!

That formula once again is, WIN=Forethought + (Originality * Envy). You can ask my wife, Kat, I have delivered quite a few gifts that follow this formula, not only FTW mind you, but because I am a closet romantic. Some of the more memorable ones have been, A Barber Shop Quartet delivered to her job, our animal’s DNA made into a necklace, a mix tape complete with 42 Haikus, A bouquet of flowers paired with a book of poetry describing why I chose each particular flower, and a Children’s Book about our life together. Each and every one of those gifts combined the three essential parts that were mentioned above in detail, and she loved them because of it.

For those of you that are less artsy fartsy and more about making shit happen, I have found the perfect gift for your dearest love. Not only does it follow the formula, which is the damn point of this exercise, but it won’t break the bank…too much.  My suggestion is a fantastically beautiful edible bouquet from the wonderful folks at Gardenia’s Fire , located in Teaneck, NJ.

GF LOGO

What is so special about this gift? I am glad you asked, understandably speculative blog reader. You see the formula is sound, and this gift follows it to a tee, therefore using the law of transitive properties, this gift fucking rocks.  Still don’t’ believe me… Fine, I will show my work.  First off, you must order it ahead of time, so it shows Forethought. I can guarantee that most of the people in your loved one’s office have never seen an edible bouquet like this one before, which covers the O and leads straight to the Mother F-Ing E. Boom! Gifted!

Boom!  Gifted!

Boom! Gifted!

I hear you haters, barking and moaning about Edible Arrangements and the fact that edible bouquets are about as original as Brady throwing to Gronkowski on 4th and whatever, but calm your rage. Edible Arrangements are made of fruit, people, FRUIT. Who the hell has ever been envious of fruit! This epic bouquets brought to you by Gardenia’s Fire are constructed with a heavenly variety of Cake, Chocolate, Macaroons, and other sweet-sweet yumminess.

Damn that is pretty!

Damn that is pretty!

Not only are these artisanal pastry/cupcake bouquets of awesomeness made of the stuff your lovely lady dreams of, they also look absolutely gorgeous. Just look at the specimen above that I sent Kat, seriously look at it! Damn near every person who walked past her work space asked her about it, which lead to the story behind it, which just kept racking up gift points for me. Not to mention she brought a little home for me to sample, and it was straight-up Amazeballs!

GF kept promises

Cupcake flowers throttle actual flowers!

If you really want to sweep your lady friend off her feet you can add supplemental gifts to this wonderful present, that you can give to her when you are alone. This gift can stand by itself, but a handwritten poem or a piece of jewelry handed to her at dinner couldn’t hurt.  Don’t worry about your poem writing prowess here, you could scrawl the worst poem ever written in crayon, and your love drunk partner would weep like a baby.

Maybe Red Is Not Her Color!

Maybe Red Is Not Her Color!

Whether you hit up Gardenia’s Fire or not, which I suggest you do, follow the formula all the way to the Win!  Your friends may despise you for making them look bad, but your Valentine will be ecstatic.  Be careful though, once you walk down this path, you will have to continue to plod along the trail of love for as long as your lady will have you. There is no going back or there will be hell to pay.

The Blue Collar Foodie’s Top 5 Foodie Gifts under $30

Top 5 Foodie Gifts

‘Tis the season of yule tide cheer fueled by Spiked Eggnog, lighting the menorah, hopefully this one, and decorating your house and Christmas tree like a Griswold, in an attempt to be the first house to be seen from outer space. Unfortunately this time of year also signifies the dreaded anxiety disorder that is caused by the commercialization of the holiday season, known as giftphobia. The symptoms of this common ailment include procrastination, stagnation, agitation and overall aggravation.

Lucky for you, I am here to help!  If you have a foodie in your life that you need to purchase a gift for this year for Christma-Hanu-Rama-Ka-Dona-Kwanzaa, have no fear, the Blue Collar Foodie is here.  The following in no particular order are my Top 5 Foodie Gifts under $30 bucks for this holiday season!

#5:Cast Iron Skillet

Cast Iron Pan

Cast Iron Pan

Most of you are thinking, “A pan? Really? That is about as exciting as a lecture on the French Revolution taught by a one armed mime,” which by the way is equal to monotone in the speaking world. I would have agreed with you five years ago, that is until I received this supernatural gift from a foodie friend of mine and it changed my culinary prowess.

This remarkable cast iron cooking device, which has been used for hundreds of years, is not just a pan, but it is a paradigm shifting scientific instrument that will forever change the way your friend cooks protein. Instead of frying a steak leaving it oily and tasteless or cooking it on a sheet pan leaving it dried and stringy, now your friend will be cooking their steak using the same method as countless high end steak houses. This pan is so important it was the star of Season 1 Episode 1 of Alton Brown’s show Good Eats. You can ask Kat, it cooks the steaks to a perfect succulent medium every time with a seared outer layer that locks in the flavor.

Steak Cooked In Cast Iron

Steak Cooked In Cast Iron

One thing to remember though is that not only is cast iron different from all other pots and pans in the way it cooks; it is also different in how it is maintained. It is not hard to take care of cast iron but I suggest forwarding the following links to your friend as part of his/her present, to ensure his/her new pan lasts for generations.

First and foremost the cast iron pan must be seasoned before using it, most companies state that the pan is pre-seasoned, but I don’t cook on anything until I wash it and once you wash it you have ruined the seasoning. Secondly, the pan has a specific cooking method that is somewhat counter intuitive and downright incredible. Finally, the pan is not cleaned with soap but salt, which most people would never think of. If your friend follows these steps he/she will be cooking steaks and chops using this method for years to come, and I bet you get a few tasty steaks out of the deal as well.

#4:Alton Brown’s Gear for Your Kitchen

Gear for your kitchen

Doc Brown’s Book

If you have read this blog before you know damn well that I am all about Dr. Alton Brown, and yes I did just give him an Honorary doctorate because if Mike, “I eat ears” Tyson has one, Mr. Brown should have one too! For my younger readers, the gift I just mentioned above is a book, I know you have only probably seen them in a book museum, or library, as us old folks call them, but back in the day these archaic artifacts made of paper and ink were given as presents all the time.

I understand that cookbooks are antiquated and generally useless since any and all recipes your friend could potentially want/need are easily found on the Googles. This book, however, is not full of boring old recipes but of inspiring foodie science. Alton Brown discusses not only what gear you should have in your kitchen, but in true Alton Brown fashion, why you should have these items. There is also an entire section of the book devoted to getting rid of needless kitchen items, which is great for us that have a rather small kitchen.

Kitchen Clutter

Kitchen Clutter

I recommend this book for the gadget oriented foodie who buys every new cooking device that hits the market. It is difficult to buy something for this type of person because you never know what they have hiding in their drawers and cupboards. Dr. Brown explains every aspect of cooking in detail in this well written book complete with hundreds of illustrations, that, if I could, I would go back in time at 88mph and would read it much sooner than I did.  (If you got that joke you are reading the right blog.)

#3:Digital In-Oven Thermometer

Digital Cooking Thermometer

Digital Cooking Thermometer

If you have ever served under cooked meals, by accident of course, to any of your houseguests, you will fully understand the necessity of this kitchen gadget. This thermometer is literally the gift that keeps on giving every time you insert the probe into any type of meat. (That’s what she said.)

Armed with this device your now well-equipped foodie friend will be able to follow the mantra of late night infomercial lore, set it and forget it!  Once the probe is inserted into the protein, this magical little object will allow you to keep your oven closed while your meal is cooked to the perfect temperature every time, leaving you free to cook the rest of your meal and drink a beer or two with your guests.

Cooked Steak

This Steak Is Done Man

Although the standalone Meat Thermometer is an great addition to any kitchen, if you really want to spoil your foodie friend, get him/her a Thermometer with a remote receiver that allows the chef to roam around the house while being able to check the temperature of his/her concoction which is wirelessly transmitted throughout the house to the remote device.  This is the one that I have, and I now I could never live without it.

#2:Cookie Cooling Rack

Cooling Racks for Bacon

Cooling Racks for Bacon

Wait! Wait! Wait! Come back, at least let me explain. I know that a cooling rack for cookies does not sound like it would make anyone sing out Fa La La La La, but what if I told you it was not cookies at all, but it was for bacon!  Not only is it for bacon, but it is for crispy, perfectly cooked, uncurled, porkgasm inducing strips of yummy delicious salty goodness, unlike any other bacon he/she has ever cooked before.

This gift like others in this list, and of course the Transformers, is more than meets the eye. You are not only buying your foodie friend a cooling rack, you are buying them the gift of properly cooked bacon. Once you see the method to this madness you will join the oven cooked bacon cult and most likely purchase yourself a drying cooling rack immediately. Watch this video that explains the cooking method and you will realize that this gift is a necessity for anyone who believes that swine is simply divine.

Bacon Cooked Properly

Mmmmmmmm. BACON!

Since the racks are only $10, might I suggest going to your local butcher shop or pork store and procuring (see what I did there) a pound of bacon to accompany this thoughtful foodie gift. Then make sure you invite yourself over for brunch one day and sample the perfectly cooked bacon that was all because of your gift. Remember friends don’t let friends improperly cook bacon.

#1:Belkin Kitchen Stand and Wand

Belkin Kitchen Stand

Belkin Kitchen Stand

If your foodie friend happens to be a bit of a geek like me, a gift that combines their affinity towards technology and their love for all things food couldn’t be more perfect. Enter, the Belkin Kitchen Stand and Wand for Tablets. This kitchen gadget allows the tech savvy foodie to utilize their tablet/iPad in the kitchen without smearing salmonella all over the screen.  This simple device is designed to hold your friend’s recipe wielding tablet upright so he/she can read it while he/she works in the kitchen, without pausing every 12 seconds to wash up. Furthermore the wand, which in the muggle world is called a stylus, is washable so it can be handled with their gooey hands without spreading mad cow disease to their entire family, thus causing the Zombie Apocalypse that we all know is coming.

This gift is not only on my Christmas list but I will be giving a few to my foodie friends this year as well.  As of right now my tablet stand is named Kat and the stylus she uses is the same finger that is usually pointed in my direction after I bellow from across the house to get her to assist me in the kitchen.

BONUS: Whiskey Stones

Whiskey Stones

Whiskey Stones

After a long day in the kitchen fighting with the aforementioned gadgets and gizmos, it is always nice to sit down after a long meal with my remote control and a glass of Single Malt Scotch. I don’t think I am alone in thinking this, so if you can’t decide what to buy your foodie friend or he/she has everything that is listed above, I suggest a package of whiskey stones and nice scotch glass.

These stones are usually hand crafted out of 100% soap stone and are designed to slightly cool your adult beverage to below room temperature to allow the flavors to open up in the glass.  Ice tends to water down good Scotch and a watered down good Scotch is bad! If your foodie friend seems to be a connoisseur of fine Whiskey, Scotch, or Bourbon then this may be just the right present for him/her.  If your friend drinks Georgia Moon Corn Whisky Moonshine from the Jar, I don’t think they will appreciate these.

Moonshine

Granny approved moonshine

If you followed the links that I provided for each item you may have recognized a common thread, Amazon.com. Although, once upon a time, I was a Mall Rat, I cannot stand the malls during the holiday season. As Kat would say, “It makes me want to punch babies.” Kat and I either shop on Amazon.com to take advantage of their super cool free shipping, which all the items above are eligible for by the way, or we shop locally.  However you decide to shop, I hope this little gift giving guide helped make your holiday season a little easier.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank all my subscribers, readers, followers, and Facebook friends for stopping by and reading my blog. I enjoy writing this article immensely and every time I see a comment or a new Facebook like it makes me smile. I want to truly wish you and your family all a happy and safe holiday season and may all your foodie dreams come true.

Happy Holidays from Dog

Happy Holidays from Dog and I