Well folks, it is that time of year again. February 14th is around the corner and we all know this facacta holiday brings undue stress to our already taxing existences. For all the single men and women that populate the internets, I know that Valentine’s Day sucks harder than Carson Palmer’s NFC Championship Game Performance. It is just another reminder of your seemingly endless search for the perfect companion, much like romantic comedies and annoyingly loud public displays of affection.
However, not many people take the plight of the coupled into consideration on this “joyous” occasion. Single people might feel lonely or depressed on the 14th, but they can just go out to the bar on the 15th and bump uglies with a stranger and their Valentine’s Day woes are in the rear view mirror. Those lucky enough to have found their Valentine, know, or at least should know, one wrong move on the 14th, could land you in the dog house for the foreseeable future.
Gift giving on Valentine’s Day is not something that one should take lightly. There is a science to it, a formula if you will. There are many factors that must be considered. How long have you been with this person, are you married, do you plan on marrying said person, and the presence of children or lack thereof, are just a few of the important elements of V-Day gifting. Unfortunately, normally the formula for gift giving is highly specific to the people involved, every single relationship has its own equation and only those in said relationship could figure the figures.
That is until now. I, The Blue Collar Foodie, have derived a universal formula that will allow you to win Valentine’s Day. The formula is actually quite simple. X= F + (O * E). Most gifts include one, maybe, two of these elements, but that just ain’t gonna cut it during the month of love. Let me break this lovely equation down for you, John Madden style:
X: This integer stands for “For the Win,” or FTW as the kids say. It is what we are trying to accomplish.
F: The F stands for Forethought. Sure you can buy your love a diamond ring, 4 dozen roses, and a puppy, but unless those gifts have meaning backing them up, your gift will earn you nothing but a passing tweet or Instagram post. Forethought shows that you did not just stop at a gas station on the way home on the 14th, but you actually planned this gift, and put some thought into it. A delivered gift ensures this component.
O: The O stands for Originality and that shit is key. A poem comes to mind; Roses are Red, Violets are blue, Flowers are Lame, and So Are You! It is not enough to just send flowers to your sweetheart on the highest of holy days of love, because everyone gets them. Save the flowers for your mom, or your grandma when she breaks her hip. Remember if your gift has the big O, you are sure to have one too.
E: The E stands for Envy. Every girl that is reading this post is silently saying to themselves, “That is Bullshit! I don’t care what anyone else thinks!” I don’t need Maury Povich’s lie detector to confirm or deny this claim. I am not saying every female is a psycho hose beast that feeds off the jealously of their peers, but I am saying that on Valentine’s Day, shit is different, shit is real! Believe me, your girl wants every single lady, whether friend or foe, in the room not only to notice the gift you bought her, but resent her, and in turn, you, for winning Valentine’s Day.
That formula once again is, WIN=Forethought + (Originality * Envy). You can ask my wife, Kat, I have delivered quite a few gifts that follow this formula, not only FTW mind you, but because I am a closet romantic. Some of the more memorable ones have been, A Barber Shop Quartet delivered to her job, our animal’s DNA made into a necklace, a mix tape complete with 42 Haikus, A bouquet of flowers paired with a book of poetry describing why I chose each particular flower, and a Children’s Book about our life together. Each and every one of those gifts combined the three essential parts that were mentioned above in detail, and she loved them because of it.
For those of you that are less artsy fartsy and more about making shit happen, I have found the perfect gift for your dearest love. Not only does it follow the formula, which is the damn point of this exercise, but it won’t break the bank…too much. My suggestion is a fantastically beautiful edible bouquet from the wonderful folks at Gardenia’s Fire , located in Teaneck, NJ.
What is so special about this gift? I am glad you asked, understandably speculative blog reader. You see the formula is sound, and this gift follows it to a tee, therefore using the law of transitive properties, this gift fucking rocks. Still don’t’ believe me… Fine, I will show my work. First off, you must order it ahead of time, so it shows Forethought. I can guarantee that most of the people in your loved one’s office have never seen an edible bouquet like this one before, which covers the O and leads straight to the Mother F-Ing E. Boom! Gifted!
I hear you haters, barking and moaning about Edible Arrangements and the fact that edible bouquets are about as original as Brady throwing to Gronkowski on 4th and whatever, but calm your rage. Edible Arrangements are made of fruit, people, FRUIT. Who the hell has ever been envious of fruit! This epic bouquets brought to you by Gardenia’s Fire are constructed with a heavenly variety of Cake, Chocolate, Macaroons, and other sweet-sweet yumminess.
Not only are these artisanal pastry/cupcake bouquets of awesomeness made of the stuff your lovely lady dreams of, they also look absolutely gorgeous. Just look at the specimen above that I sent Kat, seriously look at it! Damn near every person who walked past her work space asked her about it, which lead to the story behind it, which just kept racking up gift points for me. Not to mention she brought a little home for me to sample, and it was straight-up Amazeballs!
If you really want to sweep your lady friend off her feet you can add supplemental gifts to this wonderful present, that you can give to her when you are alone. This gift can stand by itself, but a handwritten poem or a piece of jewelry handed to her at dinner couldn’t hurt. Don’t worry about your poem writing prowess here, you could scrawl the worst poem ever written in crayon, and your love drunk partner would weep like a baby.
Whether you hit up Gardenia’s Fire or not, which I suggest you do, follow the formula all the way to the Win! Your friends may despise you for making them look bad, but your Valentine will be ecstatic. Be careful though, once you walk down this path, you will have to continue to plod along the trail of love for as long as your lady will have you. There is no going back or there will be hell to pay.
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